Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Top 5 Best Worst Movies of all time.

What is it about an extraordinarily bad movie that compels us so? I find myself entranced and deeply amused by fantastically bad movies. Now it is important to understand what I mean by “bad.” There are plenty of terrible movies that are not enjoyable to watch in the least. But then there are movies that are so bad that they you have to watch them over and over again and the catch phrases from the movie become part of your daily vernacular. The difference may be most noticeable when you can profoundly enjoy the bad movie without requiring commentary from Mystery Science Theatre to do so.

With that in mind, I have compiled my personal list of the top 5 amazingly bad movies of all time. The list is perhaps fairly predictable, but no less sincere. I have definitely found that the horror genre tends to produce the best worst movies of all time, and those are the films that made it into my top five.

5. TerrorVision



The monster actually comes out of the TV after being accidentally beamed there via satellite and uncle Rico is Punk Rock Uncle Rico. Hilarity ensues. I really debated whether this one should make the top 5 and almost put “The Stuff” in instead, especially since I’ve only seen Terrorvision on TV and have never actually seen the theatrical release. I gave this one the edge due a slightly higher level of absurdity and because I like Uncle Rico, who in this movie actually was still young enough to throw a football over them mountains.

4. Slumber Party Massacre 2



Now don’t misunderstand and think that true greatness can be found in Slumber Party Massacre part 1. It took a second effort to achieve true greatness and there is nowhere near enough of a coherent plotline to require you to see the first movie. I think that all you really need to know is that the killer in the movie has a giant electric guitar with a drill on the end, with which he terrorizes people at a Slumber Party and drops amazing one-liners. There is even a dance sequence. Disclaimer - there is an unfortunate nude scene early in the film, which detracts from the overall greatness.

3. Plan 9 from Outer Space



It really wouldn’t be a legitimate list without this film being involved. Ed Wood clearly put forth his “best” effort for this one. For further enjoyment of this film (outside of watching the film itself) see Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood,” which spends a great deal of time on the making of this movie, which many have proclaimed to be the worst film ever made.

2. Killer Klowns from Outer Space



That’s right. They spelled Clowns with a K. Krazy!

1. Troll 2



I know how clich├ęd it is to name this the best worst movie of all time. I am aware that there is in fact a documentary called “Best Worst Movie” which is all about this film. It’s a spectacular documentary by the way. I am, however, unable to rank this movie anywhere else but number one with a clear conscience. This film is a perfect storm of all the scenarios required to make a truly terrible film. You can check these all off your list. The writer and director speak little to no English and are complete dictators. The actors have little to no acting experience (or talent), including one man who was on a day pass from the mental hospital. A completely ridiculous plot that is often incoherent. Truly horrible special effects and costumes. No actual Trolls or connection to Troll 1. And this list could go on and on. So my friend, pour yourself a nice tall glass of Nilbog milk, grab a double decker bologna sandwich and sit back to enjoy the greatest worst movie ever made.

Blessings.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Resolving to spite the Mayans

It is now closing in on the time when we make resolutions for how the upcoming year will be more significant than the year that is drawing to a close. I have a rather shoddy record of remembering to make resolutions in the first place, and an even shoddier record of remembering what those resolutions were a few months after the fact.

So this year I will be documenting my resolutions here, thereby to serve as reference material while the 2012 year progresses. This is, of course, working under the assumption that they Mayans didn’t know enough to prevent their own civilization’s downfall, and could therefore not have been in possession of any particular foresight into the doom of the planet.

These are in no particular order. The last shall be first, etc.

1. Submit at least two works for publication of some kind.
2. Remain physically active throughout the year.
3. Resubmit the aforementioned works to other publishers following the initial rejection of said works.
4. Complete at least one musical project of some kind.
5. Actively work on being a patient listener.
6. Post at least one blog each month instead of disappearing for quarters at a time.
7. Actively work on writing at least 4 nights out of the week.
8. Watch Troll 2 at least 6 times during the course of the year.
9. Resume reading my Bible on a regular basis.