Help stop Santa's reign of terror!

Okay fellow humans and other readers, I’m fed up and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I know I’m not alone, but I definitely feel that I’m in the minority on this one. It’s been going on for years, and this year it started more than a month ago.  Somebody has got to do something about it.


Can we PLEASE stop with the Christmas items on display at the stores already!!

Why does America hate Halloween and Thanksgiving so much? Do we really need to begin making our Christmas preparations in September? Are we just trying to make those people who leave their lights up year round feel better about themselves? So many questions that demand answers! But do you hear about any of this in the presidential debates? No!

In fact, if either candidate would promise to pass legislation requiring us to only promote and celebrate one holiday at a time, I would not only vote for them, I would wear a sandwich board with their face on it every day from now until voting closes. But they won’t do it. I don’t believe either candidate has the courage and fortitude to really tackle an issue this volatile.

This is ridiculous. Halloween gets what, one or two measly aisles at the store? Christmas already has an entire wing at Walmart and people are still walking around in shorts. It’s too soon! There is only so much Christmas spirit that can be generated. It should be focused into a month and a half at the most, not a third of the calendar year.

We have a rule in our house. We do not put out any fall decorations before October 1st. We do not put out any Christmas decorations until Thanksgiving has been completed. And the Christmas decorations have to come down within a couple of days of the New Year beginning. These should not just be rules for my house. These rules should be mandated for all humans everywhere, punishable by public flogging. And just to keep it festive, the administrator of said flogging will dress in a manner appropriate for the particular crime.

For example, if a person disrespected Thanksgiving by putting up Christmas lights before the appointed time, they would be flogged by a person in a Turkey or Pilgrim costume. If a person failed to take down their Christmas decorations, they would be flogged by a snowman, reindeer, elf, or the main man himself, Santa. I know what you are thinking, but baby Jesus would not be appropriate for flogging and, being a baby, could not provide the proper velocity to send a message not soon forgotten. There is always Easter.

I know this is a dangerous message to share. I know that even you, beloved reader, might soon be pulling out of your driveway to come bludgeon me with a candy cane, laughing all the way to your favorite Christmas mix CD, but someone has to stand up and declare they won’t take it anymore! Someone has to have the courage to stop Santa's reign of terror!

Join me in my efforts to save Halloween from that rotund toymaker and his army of elven miscreants!

Before it’s too late!

Master of Disguise

I have often jokingly referred to myself as a “master of disguise.” I have found that I have serious problems with facial stability. What I mean by this is that I am constantly changing my hair and facial hair into new and different patterns. When I was younger, this included constantly changing my hair color as well. Lately the only changes to color have been the spreading of gray and white hair throughout. So be it.

I have a tremendously difficult time sticking with any one particular look for any length of time. 6 months is about the longest I have managed in recent history, and that was really pushing it. My wife has actually requested that I now tell her before I change something because she does not enjoy the shock of seeing a stranger in the house after a drastic change.

For Example. These are all the same person.

It's remarkable what different looks a simple change to a person's hair can create.

I imagine that those people who manage to retain the same look for the majority of their adult lives must be extremely content people. It seems to me that they must have discovered the secret to finding the best of all possible looks for them, and then stuck with it.

Alas, I have yet to find that best of all possible looks for myself.

I keep looking though, convinced that if I grow this, cut that, spike this, comb that, or just trim the sides I will one day look in the mirror and proudly proclaim, “Eureka! I have found it! This is the best looking me that there could ever be!” Then I would just maintain that look until I die.

On a side note, I have often considered how unfortunate it could be to die when in the middle of one of the really bad in between experimental looks. You know the kind. With maybe just the beginning of some sideburns and your hair just getting to that awkward stage between short and long where it keeps flipping up on the sides. No one wants that to be the final impression they leave on the world.

In short, if you have found peace with your face I applaud you. If you are a fellow pilgrim on the path to finding the optimal you, I share in your plight and offer commiseration.

I know it’s in there somewhere.