The Journal of Stephen Michael Hobbs - Part 1 of 7

I'm going to try something new. I'm in the process of learning how to write. It turns out that writing is a lot harder than reading. With that in mind, I'm going to post a short story here and am open to feedback. There are seven chapters, so I'll post a chapter a day for the next week. I hope you enjoy it.

The Journal of Stephen Michael Hobbs

Sunday, June 5th

This is not a love story. At least not like any love story I ever heard of being told. But in another way I guess it is a love story. Maybe the truest love story ever told. More true than that romance junk they sell down at the drugstore in Granton. The kind with those roided up men wearing those open white shirts with the billowy sleeves and some chick in a low cut old timey dress. The one's that all have that same guy on the cover. That big guy with the long hair. You know who I mean. This isn't that kind of story at all.

I never kept a journal before now. But these days I got a lot a time on my hands and I need to fill it with something. God knows it doesn't pass easy. Getting all this down on paper is as good a way as any. Besides, I like to think that someday someone might read this diary and learn something from it. Kind of like that Jewish kid that wrote about Nazi's and stuff. Like that, except I ain't Jewish and the Nazi's are the least of my problems these days.

But back to the main point. I don't believe there could ever be another love like mine to tell about, but maybe writing about it could help somebody in some way with some lesser romance. I like to think maybe it could. I got to tell you though, I never realized how hard it was to try to write stuff down. My hand can't keep up with all these thoughts in my head and by the time I finish writing a line I don't remember where I was going anyway and have to read what I wrote all over again to remember what I need to write next. Maybe it gets easier as you go. We'll see. This might end up being the world's shortest story. I suppose that would be okay too. Maybe there ain't anything to learn from it anyway. Maybe no one will even read it in the first place.

I guess I should start by telling you who I am and who she is. Those are the important parts to the story I suppose. I was born Stephen Michael Jamison, but I guess you could say that my mother had some difficulty sticking to any one particular marital vow. Because of that, I went through a few different last names before landing with my current one. I've also been an Arnold, a Jefferson, and an Eddings along the way. The last sucker to adopt me and force a name change left me Stephen Michael Hobbs, but everyone has always called me Stevie for as far back as I can remember. I never liked being called Stevie. Never. It sounds like such a baby name. Nobody ever asked me what I ought to be called though, so Stevie it was. Still is.

Her name is Meredith Lane Watson. I don't know if she ever had any other names, but I don't think so. Her mother is one ugly cow, so it's hard to imagine more than one man being willing to marry her. I guess Meredith picked up some recessive traits or something, cause she doesn't look anything like her mom, thank the good Lord in heaven. We learned about recessive traits in biology class. I always liked my science classes back when I was in school. At one point I wanted to be a scientist, but that never happened. I guess you could say a lot of things didn't happen. I guess a lot of things never will happen. That's just the way things go. "The Lord's will" they say. They're always saying some junk like that. As if God really cared if I was gonna be a scientist or not. I figure God has a lot more important things to think about than my career plans. But I guess neither God or I have to worry much about that any more. I think it's safe to say I'm pretty set in my current path at this point.

I don't think you ever get over your first real and only love. No matter how much time goes by and what happens along the way. You keep right on loving them until the day you die. I don't know. Maybe you keep on loving them after that. I like to think so.

That's all I got for tonight. Looking back at the page it looks pitiful compared to how much time it took to scratch all of this out. I would have thought it would be a lot longer. Tomorrow I'll tell you about how we first met.

The Downfall of Musical Integrity

Well, I almost managed to already blow my resolution to post at least one blog per month. Thank goodness for Leap Day!

So, in February I more or less dismissed whatever shreds of musical integrity I still had. Here’s how it happened…

It all started in late 2011, at a work related dinner. After a long day of meetings in Chicago, the members of my team went out to dinner with our Vice President. Two incidents occurred during the course of dinner which led to the demise of the aforementioned integrity.

1. One of my peers made a joke (too long and convoluted to explain here) that culminated with her making up a fictional band name. The name of the band was Red Headed Tuesday.

2. Somehow the topic of Bisected Uvula’s came up in the conversation during dinner. Even now, I have difficulty remembering how this particular topic managed to make its way into the discussion, but once there it could hardly be ignored. (Important side note – a Uvula is the little hanging deal in the back of your mouth. Not something else.)

Somehow, these two incidents magically combined (which is again far too convoluted to try to explain) in such a way where the final joke (which you will have to trust me was extraordinarily funny at the time) was that “Bisected Uvula” was a love song written by the band Red Headed Tuesday.

And then I had an idea.

I went back to my hotel room that night and wrote the song “Bisected Uvula.” Incidentally, I was watching Point Break on the hotel TV at the time. My multi-tasking capabilities are unparalleled. I was deeply amused by my song, and decided I wanted to share that amusement with my VP, since she was had been equally amused during the dinner conversation.

One thing led to another, and then to another, and then in February I somehow convinced two friends to help me record the song under the band name Red Headed Tuesday. They engineered and mixed the whole thing, so I suppose their musical integrity might take a hit as well. Over the course of 4 evenings, I recorded all the instruments and vocals and ended up with a final version to share with my VP.

The song is completely ridiculous. I’ve spent the last 20 years dreaming of impacting other people’s lives by writing insightful, meaningful lyrics and putting out quality music. Instead, all that hard work has led me down a path that dead ended into “Bisected Uvula.”

But it’s too late to turn back now. I already sent the MP3 to my VP, who then played it in our leadership meeting. Complete with a power point of the lyrics. I’m pretty famous now.

So for the 5 amazingly brilliant people who read my blog with any regularity, I hope you find this truly entertaining. My integrity (as if I really still had any to lose considering I once recorded a song titled “Death Star Love Song”) is in flames, but at least my heart was never in the right place.

You can listen to and download (for free) “Bisected Uvula” by Red Headed Tuesday by clicking right here

And here is a visual journey through the process.

Blessings

Top 5 Wines under $10.

As previously discussed in the blog titled, “What’s up with my mouth?” I made it known that I enjoy a glass or two of wine on most evenings. Like many of you, however, I operate on a budget which does not allow me to just grab anything I want off the wine shelf. As a result, I have tried a great many wines under $10 over the last year and a half and would like to pass along some of what I have learned. This knowledge is worth well more than its weight in wine as you can hopefully use this list to avoid bringing home some of the moonshine hooch that often falls into this price range. There is plenty of that out there and no one deserves that. And remember, many places (like Tom Thumb) give you a 10% discount if you buy 6 bottles or more.

(Disclaimer – Wine should be enjoyed in moderation. Take it easy.)

5. Smoking Loon – Cabernet Sauvignon

A good solid Cabernet for the price. Not the best, but doesn’t vary much from bottle to bottle like some of the less expensive wines do. Available at multiple locations. Their Merlot is also pretty decent.

4. Francis Ford Coppola - Rosso

This blended wine is the only Coppola I have found which is consistently under $10. I normally pick this one up at Tom Thumb for about eight dollars and am never disappointed. I have tried some of Mr. Coppola’s $10+ wines as well and they are also quite good, but seldom make their way into the Autry home due to the aforementioned budget.




3. Rex Goliath Giant 47 Pound Rooster
– Cabernet Sauvignon

Pretty much anything by Rex Goliath will not disappoint. You can find this brand in many locations, but Walmart carries many Rex Goliath options for $4.97 / bottle. The Cabernet is my favorite, but their Pinot Noir, and Sauvignon Blanc are also very enjoyable. Priced as an everyday wine, but good enough for company.

2. Spanish Quarter – Cabernet-Tempranillo


Excellent Blended Wine, available at Tom Thumb. There’s a lot going on in this one and I was very tempted to put this one at #1. Their Chardonnay-Albarino is my favorite white wine and would probably come in around 6 overall for me.

1. Apothic Red

This Blend is simply unbelievable. Available at Tom Thumb and Walmart, usually for just under $10, this wine really delivers. Made from 3 grapes, the flavor is quite hard to define and I haven’t tasted another wine that I could compare it to. And besides, very few people can describe what they are tasting without sounding like pretentious bores. I have found that this Red appeals even to those who normally prefer white wines.

Cheers!

Top 5 Best Worst Movies of all time.

What is it about an extraordinarily bad movie that compels us so? I find myself entranced and deeply amused by fantastically bad movies. Now it is important to understand what I mean by “bad.” There are plenty of terrible movies that are not enjoyable to watch in the least. But then there are movies that are so bad that they you have to watch them over and over again and the catch phrases from the movie become part of your daily vernacular. The difference may be most noticeable when you can profoundly enjoy the bad movie without requiring commentary from Mystery Science Theatre to do so.

With that in mind, I have compiled my personal list of the top 5 amazingly bad movies of all time. The list is perhaps fairly predictable, but no less sincere. I have definitely found that the horror genre tends to produce the best worst movies of all time, and those are the films that made it into my top five.

5. TerrorVision

The monster actually comes out of the TV after being accidentally beamed there via satellite and uncle Rico is Punk Rock Uncle Rico. Hilarity ensues. I really debated whether this one should make the top 5 and almost put “The Stuff” in instead, especially since I’ve only seen Terrorvision on TV and have never actually seen the theatrical release. I gave this one the edge due a slightly higher level of absurdity and because I like Uncle Rico, who in this movie actually was still young enough to throw a football over them mountains.

4. Slumber Party Massacre 2

Now don’t misunderstand and think that true greatness can be found in Slumber Party Massacre part 1. It took a second effort to achieve true greatness and there is nowhere near enough of a coherent plotline to require you to see the first movie. I think that all you really need to know is that the killer in the movie has a giant electric guitar with a drill on the end, with which he terrorizes people at a Slumber Party and drops amazing one-liners. There is even a dance sequence. Disclaimer - there is an unfortunate nude scene early in the film, which detracts from the overall greatness.

3. Plan 9 from Outer Space

It really wouldn’t be a legitimate list without this film being involved. Ed Wood clearly put forth his “best” effort for this one. For further enjoyment of this film (outside of watching the film itself) see Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood,” which spends a great deal of time on the making of this movie, which many have proclaimed to be the worst film ever made.

2. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

That’s right. They spelled Clowns with a K. Krazy!

1. Troll 2

I know how clichéd it is to name this the best worst movie of all time. I am aware that there is in fact a documentary called “Best Worst Movie” which is all about this film. It’s a spectacular documentary by the way. I am, however, unable to rank this movie anywhere else but number one with a clear conscience. This film is a perfect storm of all the scenarios required to make a truly terrible film. You can check these all off your list. The writer and director speak little to no English and are complete dictators. The actors have little to no acting experience (or talent), including one man who was on a day pass from the mental hospital. A completely ridiculous plot that is often incoherent. Truly horrible special effects and costumes. No actual Trolls or connection to Troll 1. And this list could go on and on. So my friend, pour yourself a nice tall glass of Nilbog milk, grab a double decker bologna sandwich and sit back to enjoy the greatest worst movie ever made.

Blessings.

Resolving to spite the Mayans

It is now closing in on the time when we make resolutions for how the upcoming year will be more significant than the year that is drawing to a close. I have a rather shoddy record of remembering to make resolutions in the first place, and an even shoddier record of remembering what those resolutions were a few months after the fact.

So this year I will be documenting my resolutions here, thereby to serve as reference material while the 2012 year progresses. This is, of course, working under the assumption that they Mayans didn’t know enough to prevent their own civilization’s downfall, and could therefore not have been in possession of any particular foresight into the doom of the planet.

These are in no particular order. The last shall be first, etc.

1. Submit at least two works for publication of some kind.
2. Remain physically active throughout the year.
3. Resubmit the aforementioned works to other publishers following the initial rejection of said works.
4. Complete at least one musical project of some kind.
5. Actively work on being a patient listener.
6. Post at least one blog each month instead of disappearing for quarters at a time.
7. Actively work on writing at least 4 nights out of the week.
8. Watch Troll 2 at least 6 times during the course of the year.
9. Resume reading my Bible on a regular basis.

Top 5 Careers I wish I had pursued

There are a couple of rules to follow here in this top 5 list. For example, I can’t list “Rock Star” because I did pursue and am still pursuing that profession. Unfortunately you suckers didn’t buy enough of my albums to make this an attainable career so far. So this doesn't fall into the category of a career I wish I had pursued. This list includes careers I never once considered while in college, but would now rather do any of them than what I currently do.

5. Camp Director

I worked at a summer camp for four beautiful summers while in college. It was the greatest job I have ever held. I’m still looking for an endless summer.

Evidence of the greatest summer ever -

4. Food Critic

I like food. It’s real fun to eat.

3. Something in Publishing

I would like to be that guy who reviews manuscripts and decides which will see the light of day. Or maybe an editor. I don’t know. Something.

2. Professor

Preferably in the world of Literature. I did my research. I need a couple of additional degrees if I want to make this one happen. Maybe if it ever moves into the #1 spot I’ll pony up the cash and the time and make it happen.

1. Author

Now I know what you are thinking, isn’t that like Rock Star? The answer is no. I have not yet failed at attaining this one. As soon as I fail at it I can remove it from the list and then go collect a couple of degrees so I can fulfill the cliché of “Those who can’t do, teach.”

What about you? What do you look back and wish you had pursued early on. Back before the bills rolled in and time started feeling compressed. I'd love to hear about them so I can steal them and make them my dreams.

Master of Disguise

I have often jokingly referred to myself as a “master of disguise.” I have found that I have serious problems with facial stability. What I mean by this is that I am constantly changing my hair and facial hair into new and different patterns. When I was younger, this included constantly changing my hair color as well. Lately the only changes to color have been the spreading of gray and white hair throughout. So be it.

I have a tremendously difficult time sticking with any one particular look for any length of time. 6 months is about the longest I have managed in recent history, and that was really pushing it. My wife has actually requested that I now tell her before I change something because she does not enjoy the shock of seeing a stranger in the house after a drastic change.

For Example. These are all the same person.

It's remarkable what different looks a simple change to a person's hair can create.

I imagine that those people who manage to retain the same look for the majority of their adult lives must be extremely content people. It seems to me that they must have discovered the secret to finding the best of all possible looks for them, and then stuck with it.

Alas, I have yet to find that best of all possible looks for myself.

I keep looking though, convinced that if I grow this, cut that, spike this, comb that, or just trim the sides I will one day look in the mirror and proudly proclaim, “Eureka! I have found it! This is the best looking me that there could ever be!” Then I would just maintain that look until I die.

On a side note, I have often considered how unfortunate it could be to die when in the middle of one of the really bad in between experimental looks. You know the kind. With maybe just the beginning of some sideburns and your hair just getting to that awkward stage between short and long where it keeps flipping up on the sides. No one wants that to be the final impression they leave on the world.

In short, if you have found peace with your face I applaud you. If you are a fellow pilgrim on the path to finding the optimal you, I share in your plight and offer commiseration.

I know it’s in there somewhere.