It is time for another list to edify and enlighten. Lists are a good way to keep a blog going when you really have absolutely nothing in particular to say. Or perhaps you’re just too dang busy. Today I am going to share the top 10 greatest Super Heroes of all time. This is not my opinion. These are in fact the 10 greatest of all time. It’s a scientifically verifiable fact.
Parameters: The person has to be a "Good Guy" at least the majority of the time to qualify since this is not the list of the 10 greatest Super Villains of all time. Also this is only for individual characters and not for teams.
10. Kitty Pryde
She walks through walls and has a pet dragon. Granted, she is not all that well known outside of the fans of the X-Men, but is a favorite of both mine and the scientists who verified this list. You probably think Iron Man should be in this spot due to the success of his recent films. But other than those movies, who really cares about Iron Man? Certainly not the aforementioned Scientists who, in all fairness, could be jealous that Tony Stark won’t share his Iron Man Technology Secrets.
9. The Incredible Hulk
You just can’t deny the Hulk his place in history. Special thanks to Lou Ferrigno for bringing Hulk to the common people. Secondary thanks to R. L. Stevenson for setting the original Jekyll / Hyde template. Bottom Line: Hulk Smash.
8. Captain America
The Star Spangled Avenger is returning to the big screen, and will presumably fare much better than the simply dreadful 1990 film. Worst Super Hero Movie Ever. Hands down. It’s even worse than the Dolph Lundgen Punisher movie, and that is saying a lot. The captain is a surprisingly mult-dimensional character and his longevity is hard to question. The new film and then the Avengers film to follow are certainly helping to revitalize interest. Not one of my personal favorites, but who am I to argue with science.
7. Firestar
Who? Only one of the greatest superheroes of all time, that’s who! I first saw Firestar in the cartoon “Spider Man and His Amazing Friends,” which ran for several years in the early 80’s. She and Iceman were the Amazing Friends. She was then re-popularized throughout the 90’s as a member of the New Warriors and then the Avengers. She was both extremely powerful and afraid of using her powers. You may think she is out of place on a list of heroes that transcended comic books and cartoons, but she is indeed one of the 10 greatest.
6. Wonder Woman
What’s not to like? She has an invisible jet. And a lasso that makes you tell the truth. And bullet proof bracelets. And a Tiara. All of these things are pretty neat, but that is only the beginning. She also had a killer theme song for the 70’s TV series. "In her satin tights, fighting for your rights, and the old red white and blue!" Sing it with me now! Wonder Woman is an icon. I know the new TV series apparently was going to be terrible and has been cancelled before it got off the ground, but that doesn’t take anything away from her overall greatness.
5. Wolverine
SNIKT!
4. Superman
Has any other Superhero been more celebrated on TV and in films (with the possible exception of #3 on the list)? All the Reeve movies and the recent Routh one. Lois and Clark. Smallville. Despite having such generic powers and kind of a lame outfit, the Man of Steel has proven staying power and continues to draw interest. His Death brought new fans from around the world. His not staying dead was less cool and left most comic fans feeling cheated. The different TV shows helped personalize the last Son of Krypton and make him more likeable. Who else can be completely unrecognizable by simply throwing on some specs and parting his hair on the other side? That’s a super power all by itself! All signs indicate that Superman will be around for decades to come and will continue refusing to kneel before Zod.
3. Batman
Holy 3rd Place Ranking, Robin! From Adam West to Christian Bale, there have certainly been a lot of different twists on the Caped Crusader and many men to wear the cowl. With no actual Super Powers, Batman has long been the everyman’s super hero. Of course every man is not a multi-millionaire with a batcave, but that is neither here nor there. The Tim Burton directed movies with Michael Keaton did wonders for bringing Batman to a new generation and helped to diminish the campiness of the West TV Series. Of course the frozen Governator helped return the campy feel and kill the series for a few years shortly afterward. Batman is simply cool. He’s dark and brooding and has a neat tool belt. He has a butler. How many people really have both a butler and a batcave? I can only think of one.
2. Ash
I know what you are thinking. Ash was not a superhero. He has no superpowers. However, I think we did just establish that batman has no actual superpowers. And Ash certainly has done plenty to fight the armies of darkness both in films and in video games. And like Batman, he has iconic tools that he uses in his ongoing struggle. There is the chainsaw to replace the missing hand, the shotgun, the chin, the knowledge of Chemistry 101, and the best delivered one-liners of all time. Ash has long been the only thing standing between us common folk and legions of undead soul sucking demon zombies. Hail to the king, baby. Hail to the king.
1. Spider Man
All time greatest Super Hero. Science has spoken. Spider Man has been kicking villain tail and throwing down witty banter since the 60’s. There were multiple terrible films and plenty of cartoons made before Sam Raimi finally gave the webslinger his due in 2002. Spidey proved to be gold at the box office as well as on the newstand. He has had multiple titles and spin offs going in the comic book world for almost half a century and set a new prototype for heroes. He was among the first to be an ordinary person who had ordinary problems. He dealt with guilt and financial woes. He had relationship problems and struggled to make good decisions. He was one of the first really human superheroes. With another film in the works, Spider-Man is showing no signs of slowing down and should continue in the #1 slot for the foreseeable future. And remember kids, with great power comes great responsibility.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Something you might not have known about cubicles (updated repost)
*Please note – this is an edited/updated version of a post from 2010. If you are one of the 1.5 people who read the original post, I salute you*
It’s time for another chapter in the world of “something you might not have known about....” Today’s subject is..... Cubicles!
What is a cubicle?
“Cubicle” is a common name used to describe a small desk area generally enclosed on three sides by waist-ish high walls and having no ceiling. Generally speaking, many of these cubicles are arranged in rows and share common walls, allowing many desks to be put in one work area without having to either allow space between the desks or having to build actual walls, which can be costly. The cubicle walls help give the illusion that each desk is it’s own tiny little office as well as helping to provide a place to hang your calendar. Calendars are important in cubicles because without them it is entirely impossible to distinguish one day from the next. The origin of the name “cubicle” comes from the squarish shape the walls make and due to the feeling that one is stuck inside a cube with little to no oxygen available.
How to Recognize a Cubicle should you happen to find yourself in what you think might be a cubicle, but you are not sure:
1) Look to your left.
2) Look to your right.
3) Look in front of you.
4) Look behind you.
5) Look up.
6) Look down.
If in the process of following the above directions you identified a wall you can see over, another wall you can see over, another wall you can see over, an opening with no wall at all, open space with a ceiling higher up, and a floor, then it is very possible you are sitting or standing in a cubicle. Don’t panic! There are millions of people in the same position and all are relatively safe the majority of the time.
Do cubicles affect the space time continuum in any way?
Actually, yes they do. It is scientifically provable (opinions will vary amongst scientist as all things scientifically provable will vary amongst scientists) that time actually slows down within the walls of a cubicle. It is not certain why this phenomenon occurs, but it does indeed occur. This phenomenon has two radical effects.
1) A day spent in a cubicle is drastically longer than a day spent elsewhere, which can lead to chronic depression and a sense that one’s life is slipping away from them.
2) A person’s life actually slips away from them. A person will age must faster inside a cubicle than will someone outside a cubicle since the person inside will continue to age at the same rate of those outside the cubicle while actually spending more daytime hours alive inside the cubicle due to changes in rate of time. This can be very confusing, but is scientifically verifiable (opinions will vary amongst scientist as all things scientifically verifiable will vary amongst scientists).
In conclusion:
Cubicles are real and exist in many buildings in many cities in many countries on this fair planet. Should you encounter one, proceed with caution and make sure you are familiar with the dangers they present before you enter one. And always remember, it’s much easier to walk into a cubicle than it is to walk out.
Many blessings
It’s time for another chapter in the world of “something you might not have known about....” Today’s subject is..... Cubicles!
What is a cubicle?
“Cubicle” is a common name used to describe a small desk area generally enclosed on three sides by waist-ish high walls and having no ceiling. Generally speaking, many of these cubicles are arranged in rows and share common walls, allowing many desks to be put in one work area without having to either allow space between the desks or having to build actual walls, which can be costly. The cubicle walls help give the illusion that each desk is it’s own tiny little office as well as helping to provide a place to hang your calendar. Calendars are important in cubicles because without them it is entirely impossible to distinguish one day from the next. The origin of the name “cubicle” comes from the squarish shape the walls make and due to the feeling that one is stuck inside a cube with little to no oxygen available.
How to Recognize a Cubicle should you happen to find yourself in what you think might be a cubicle, but you are not sure:
1) Look to your left.
2) Look to your right.
3) Look in front of you.
4) Look behind you.
5) Look up.
6) Look down.
If in the process of following the above directions you identified a wall you can see over, another wall you can see over, another wall you can see over, an opening with no wall at all, open space with a ceiling higher up, and a floor, then it is very possible you are sitting or standing in a cubicle. Don’t panic! There are millions of people in the same position and all are relatively safe the majority of the time.
Do cubicles affect the space time continuum in any way?
Actually, yes they do. It is scientifically provable (opinions will vary amongst scientist as all things scientifically provable will vary amongst scientists) that time actually slows down within the walls of a cubicle. It is not certain why this phenomenon occurs, but it does indeed occur. This phenomenon has two radical effects.
1) A day spent in a cubicle is drastically longer than a day spent elsewhere, which can lead to chronic depression and a sense that one’s life is slipping away from them.
2) A person’s life actually slips away from them. A person will age must faster inside a cubicle than will someone outside a cubicle since the person inside will continue to age at the same rate of those outside the cubicle while actually spending more daytime hours alive inside the cubicle due to changes in rate of time. This can be very confusing, but is scientifically verifiable (opinions will vary amongst scientist as all things scientifically verifiable will vary amongst scientists).
In conclusion:
Cubicles are real and exist in many buildings in many cities in many countries on this fair planet. Should you encounter one, proceed with caution and make sure you are familiar with the dangers they present before you enter one. And always remember, it’s much easier to walk into a cubicle than it is to walk out.
Many blessings
Monday, June 13, 2011
What it was that MC Hammer was trying to say.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
In spite of the level of exertion I deliver, which results in a high level of perspiration on my part, I will not surrender. I will exert even more effort. Yes. More effort will be exerted than ever before due to the dreams which I have been collecting in my brain. I have foreseen that I will acquire those things which will eventually be mine and that there are no people alive who will take those things away from me. No. This is because I, the Hammer, do not play games when I believe it is possible that you will be trying to get those aforementioned things that I will and, in some cases, already have acquired. I am talking specifically to young male children. I am requesting that you retreat several steps and then stop moving. I want to compel you to believe that you do not want to become engaged in an altercation with me. I have had to move very fast in order to achieve the degree of physical muscularity which I am displaying. You, on the other hand look as though you do not work out very frequently. In fact son, you look very weak indeed. I am working hard to get everything that I can possibly get. I like to stand up in high places and kick things because I am much to legitimate to stop.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
When the time comes and you feeling like a tall post or a pole, I do not think you should play basketball in my vicinity because I might dig a hole with a shovel and then randomly smack you around. Indeed, it is a foregone conclusion that I will retaliate and engage in fisticuffs with you while injecting you with a drug I like to call “Oak Town Power.” When you become hooked on this drug I will charge you an hourly wage to continue utilizing it. This thought gets me so excited that I am shaking like there is an earthquake going on or like I am listening to funk music. I am making an intentional choice to abuse, misuse, and confuse those people I compete with. These competitors think they are making up the rules by which we will play, but I think you should know that these people are fools. In the game they were trying to make up the rules for, people ended up both wounded and driven completely insane. It really is a shame, but I really do have to do this. Throughout the game I remain unchanged. Well, not really unchanged. I just keep getting better. I have never been known to wear sweaters. I am once again kicking things while standing in high places. I do this because I have everything collected together in one place. I am inviting you to all lay down and roll on the ground with me. You should do this because I am a very physical person who has an extraordinarily good physique. You should also do this because I wear a watch. All of these things combined show that I am much to legitimate to stop.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
I am requesting that you march in a straight line to the rhythm I am providing to you. I am considered to be someone who is guaranteed to win things since I have been in this place on previous occasions. Hark. I am not a beginner where these things are concerned. It is true that at one point I was a beginner but I have since tried many things and found them to be true. I believe in what Darwin said and I will survive due to my higher fitness level. Hark. This knowledge has brought me through many a hard time. Those people I spend time with have been known to talk on occasion. According to them we are ready to hit those things we have been trained to hit. This is our purpose. I believe that you should believe all of these things and that this belief should cause mass quantities of perspiration on your part. The sweat will be something you are ashamed of later. You will regret the day that you disregarded me and my close friends. You will rue the day that you ever made our acquaintance. Have I mentioned that I like to read? You remind me of a short story I once read. It was really short. You put out a hit record, but it was only one record and you are really starting to disinterest me. You should prepare yourself because this is probably the end for you. Those people you spend time with are about to have to stop. My friends, however, will not have to stop due to our extreme legitimacy.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
I think you should either get money or get naked. It could go either way.
Those people I like to spend time with are winners. We compress people who are strong and percolate people who are not so strong. We do this on a daily basis. A day doesn’t go by that we do not work very hard to improve our dance moves. We do this because we like to be in charge where dancing is concerned. We like to be in charge of where we rest, where we work, and where we play. Hark. In the beginning, we were down at the bottom of the social structure, but now we are in front of everyone else. Yes! Yes! I am afraid that I am having seizures. These cause me to kick things. You know me. I’ve already mentioned that I like to kick things while in high places. I am still far too legitimate to stop doing so, in spite of the seizures.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
We are so legitimate that we are rolling on the ground while he’s on top. We are going to burn something till it ceases to exist due to our legitimacy and our inability to stop.
We are just much too Legitimate to ever give up.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
In spite of the level of exertion I deliver, which results in a high level of perspiration on my part, I will not surrender. I will exert even more effort. Yes. More effort will be exerted than ever before due to the dreams which I have been collecting in my brain. I have foreseen that I will acquire those things which will eventually be mine and that there are no people alive who will take those things away from me. No. This is because I, the Hammer, do not play games when I believe it is possible that you will be trying to get those aforementioned things that I will and, in some cases, already have acquired. I am talking specifically to young male children. I am requesting that you retreat several steps and then stop moving. I want to compel you to believe that you do not want to become engaged in an altercation with me. I have had to move very fast in order to achieve the degree of physical muscularity which I am displaying. You, on the other hand look as though you do not work out very frequently. In fact son, you look very weak indeed. I am working hard to get everything that I can possibly get. I like to stand up in high places and kick things because I am much to legitimate to stop.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
When the time comes and you feeling like a tall post or a pole, I do not think you should play basketball in my vicinity because I might dig a hole with a shovel and then randomly smack you around. Indeed, it is a foregone conclusion that I will retaliate and engage in fisticuffs with you while injecting you with a drug I like to call “Oak Town Power.” When you become hooked on this drug I will charge you an hourly wage to continue utilizing it. This thought gets me so excited that I am shaking like there is an earthquake going on or like I am listening to funk music. I am making an intentional choice to abuse, misuse, and confuse those people I compete with. These competitors think they are making up the rules by which we will play, but I think you should know that these people are fools. In the game they were trying to make up the rules for, people ended up both wounded and driven completely insane. It really is a shame, but I really do have to do this. Throughout the game I remain unchanged. Well, not really unchanged. I just keep getting better. I have never been known to wear sweaters. I am once again kicking things while standing in high places. I do this because I have everything collected together in one place. I am inviting you to all lay down and roll on the ground with me. You should do this because I am a very physical person who has an extraordinarily good physique. You should also do this because I wear a watch. All of these things combined show that I am much to legitimate to stop.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
I am requesting that you march in a straight line to the rhythm I am providing to you. I am considered to be someone who is guaranteed to win things since I have been in this place on previous occasions. Hark. I am not a beginner where these things are concerned. It is true that at one point I was a beginner but I have since tried many things and found them to be true. I believe in what Darwin said and I will survive due to my higher fitness level. Hark. This knowledge has brought me through many a hard time. Those people I spend time with have been known to talk on occasion. According to them we are ready to hit those things we have been trained to hit. This is our purpose. I believe that you should believe all of these things and that this belief should cause mass quantities of perspiration on your part. The sweat will be something you are ashamed of later. You will regret the day that you disregarded me and my close friends. You will rue the day that you ever made our acquaintance. Have I mentioned that I like to read? You remind me of a short story I once read. It was really short. You put out a hit record, but it was only one record and you are really starting to disinterest me. You should prepare yourself because this is probably the end for you. Those people you spend time with are about to have to stop. My friends, however, will not have to stop due to our extreme legitimacy.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
I think you should either get money or get naked. It could go either way.
Those people I like to spend time with are winners. We compress people who are strong and percolate people who are not so strong. We do this on a daily basis. A day doesn’t go by that we do not work very hard to improve our dance moves. We do this because we like to be in charge where dancing is concerned. We like to be in charge of where we rest, where we work, and where we play. Hark. In the beginning, we were down at the bottom of the social structure, but now we are in front of everyone else. Yes! Yes! I am afraid that I am having seizures. These cause me to kick things. You know me. I’ve already mentioned that I like to kick things while in high places. I am still far too legitimate to stop doing so, in spite of the seizures.
I am requesting that you sing.
I am complying with the agreed upon rules. In fact, I am far too much in compliance with the standard rules and/or laws to stop what I am doing.
I am not one born out of wedlock. I am the genuine, legitimate offspring and thus will continue to do what I am currently doing.
I am quite legal. I am so legal that I am in no danger of being forced to surrender any time soon.
We are so legitimate that we are rolling on the ground while he’s on top. We are going to burn something till it ceases to exist due to our legitimacy and our inability to stop.
We are just much too Legitimate to ever give up.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What it was that Vanilla Ice was trying to say.
Pardon me those of you who are very important, let’s get started.
Please stop for a moment and listen to what I have to say. I have returned to you and I come bearing something new which I have invented. I find myself in the grip of something, resulting in my flowing in the manner of a harpoon. This occurs both during the day and at night time. I have speculated long on whether or not this will ever stop. At this point I am undecided, but if you turn off the lights, you will find that I glow in the dark. I have been known to take a microphone and speak into it forcefully. I sometimes then steal the microphone. I do this in the most extreme manner possible. I have already mentioned that I glow in the dark, but I wanted to make it clear that I can also do this standing on a platform while encasing a person in wax. I am requesting that you please dance. Don’t stay in the back. Please come forward and dance near these very loud speakers, though it will possibly cause severe brain damage, similar to what can be caused by certain poisonous toadstools. Indeed, it is very dangerous, deadly even, when I begin to sing in a narcotic fashion through these speakers. I believe in presenting the best things I have to offer and believe that those who do not do so should be incarcerated. Whether or not you love what I am saying or have negative feelings about it, you need to step out of the way and aim very carefully. If you miss the bull’s eye you will find that children will no longer be able to play any more. If it turns out that there is a problem, and I’m not saying that there is, then I believe I can provide a solution. Please just pay close attention to these repeating words that my disc jockey is playing on the record player.
Ice Ice Baby
Too Cold
Vanilla
At the present time, this party is an exciting place to be. We have changed the settings on the equalizer so that the low end audio is very pronounced. It is causing our Vega speakers to vibrate profoundly. Allow me to get to the point quickly and without trying to fool you. I have taken many masters of ceremony and cooked them on my stove as if they were just so much bacon. I like to burn the ones that are slow and not particularly agile. In fact I go temporarily insane when I hear the sound of a cymbal. Particularly the hi-hat cymbal played at a frenetic pace makes me want to keep going and leave everyone else behind. When this happens I drive my Five Cylinder convertible with the top down so that my hair can blow in the wind. There are girls waiting for me who wave their hands when I drive along the road. They do this so that they can say hello to me. You might wonder if I stopped the vehicle when they waved. I did not. I drove by them in search of the next place that I would stop. I turned left and drove down to the next block. I didn’t see very many things happening when I got there, so I started driving again until I came to A1A Beachfront Avenue. The girls at this location must have been very overheated. I am making this assumption because they wore very little clothing. I also noticed a lot or people were driving Lamborghinis. I believe that those people are envious of me because of all of the things I have received. Due to the dangerous nature of this area, my friend Shay, who is my aforementioned disc jockey, is carrying a shotgun. I have a nine millimeter handgun. The two of us are prepared in case some of the people on the wall begin to act strangely due to their heavy drug use. The next thing I knew I was deafened by loud gunshots. I held on to my handgun and heard the spent casings from several bullets falling on the pavement in rapid succession. I jumped back into my car and accelerated quickly, but soon was stuck in heavy traffic. The street was completely full of vehicles, which prevented me from getting away before something could be done to me that I would have done to someone else. The next thing I knew, the police were everywhere. Do you understand what I’m trying to say to you? Before I could be concerned though, they chose to not regard me as a threat and instead focused their attention on those drug abusers I previously mentioned. Once again I would like to clarify that in the event of a problem I will find a solution. While that sinks in, please pay close attention to the same repeating words that Shay is playing for you now that he has put down his shotgun in favor of a record player.
Ice Ice Baby
Too Cold
Vanilla
Please continue to pay careful attention and give credence to what I am saying to you. I compose rhyming words with the intention of setting them to music. The city of Miami is a fine, central location for others who also do this. Is this something you were aware of? I would like for you to be aware of it. I am from Miami. This is where the low end audio sound comes from. In Miami there are holes in the ground due to the volume at which we play low end audio. This is because the way I make music is just like Chemicals spilling onto the ground. My rhymes are very realistic and create images in your head so real that you can feel them. When those images are formed, I think this is one very interesting idea. We promote this idea and ask that you join in step with us. My disc jockey Shay likes to adjust the individual volumes of different instruments by adjusting the faders on a mixing board. When he does this, it is almost as if a ninja were cutting things with a sword or a razor blade so quickly that it causes other disc jockeys to vociferate profanely. My rhymes are so good and valuable that if they were narcotics I would sell them in very small doses to achieve the maximum financial impact. I never lose my composure even at those times when it is appropriate to loosen up a bit. I find that my mouth reacts to a microphone is if it were made of metal and the microphone were a magnet. This happens at the same time that I kick the juice cartons I own. You might see this as a problem, but I don’t. There are no problems. But if there were a problem, I would solve it. As always, please listen to this message while Shay plays it on a record player.
Ice Ice Baby
Too Cold
Vanilla
Dear Listener.
I am going to leave now.
Please give my regards to your mother.
Please stop for a moment and listen to what I have to say. I have returned to you and I come bearing something new which I have invented. I find myself in the grip of something, resulting in my flowing in the manner of a harpoon. This occurs both during the day and at night time. I have speculated long on whether or not this will ever stop. At this point I am undecided, but if you turn off the lights, you will find that I glow in the dark. I have been known to take a microphone and speak into it forcefully. I sometimes then steal the microphone. I do this in the most extreme manner possible. I have already mentioned that I glow in the dark, but I wanted to make it clear that I can also do this standing on a platform while encasing a person in wax. I am requesting that you please dance. Don’t stay in the back. Please come forward and dance near these very loud speakers, though it will possibly cause severe brain damage, similar to what can be caused by certain poisonous toadstools. Indeed, it is very dangerous, deadly even, when I begin to sing in a narcotic fashion through these speakers. I believe in presenting the best things I have to offer and believe that those who do not do so should be incarcerated. Whether or not you love what I am saying or have negative feelings about it, you need to step out of the way and aim very carefully. If you miss the bull’s eye you will find that children will no longer be able to play any more. If it turns out that there is a problem, and I’m not saying that there is, then I believe I can provide a solution. Please just pay close attention to these repeating words that my disc jockey is playing on the record player.
Ice Ice Baby
Too Cold
Vanilla
At the present time, this party is an exciting place to be. We have changed the settings on the equalizer so that the low end audio is very pronounced. It is causing our Vega speakers to vibrate profoundly. Allow me to get to the point quickly and without trying to fool you. I have taken many masters of ceremony and cooked them on my stove as if they were just so much bacon. I like to burn the ones that are slow and not particularly agile. In fact I go temporarily insane when I hear the sound of a cymbal. Particularly the hi-hat cymbal played at a frenetic pace makes me want to keep going and leave everyone else behind. When this happens I drive my Five Cylinder convertible with the top down so that my hair can blow in the wind. There are girls waiting for me who wave their hands when I drive along the road. They do this so that they can say hello to me. You might wonder if I stopped the vehicle when they waved. I did not. I drove by them in search of the next place that I would stop. I turned left and drove down to the next block. I didn’t see very many things happening when I got there, so I started driving again until I came to A1A Beachfront Avenue. The girls at this location must have been very overheated. I am making this assumption because they wore very little clothing. I also noticed a lot or people were driving Lamborghinis. I believe that those people are envious of me because of all of the things I have received. Due to the dangerous nature of this area, my friend Shay, who is my aforementioned disc jockey, is carrying a shotgun. I have a nine millimeter handgun. The two of us are prepared in case some of the people on the wall begin to act strangely due to their heavy drug use. The next thing I knew I was deafened by loud gunshots. I held on to my handgun and heard the spent casings from several bullets falling on the pavement in rapid succession. I jumped back into my car and accelerated quickly, but soon was stuck in heavy traffic. The street was completely full of vehicles, which prevented me from getting away before something could be done to me that I would have done to someone else. The next thing I knew, the police were everywhere. Do you understand what I’m trying to say to you? Before I could be concerned though, they chose to not regard me as a threat and instead focused their attention on those drug abusers I previously mentioned. Once again I would like to clarify that in the event of a problem I will find a solution. While that sinks in, please pay close attention to the same repeating words that Shay is playing for you now that he has put down his shotgun in favor of a record player.
Ice Ice Baby
Too Cold
Vanilla
Please continue to pay careful attention and give credence to what I am saying to you. I compose rhyming words with the intention of setting them to music. The city of Miami is a fine, central location for others who also do this. Is this something you were aware of? I would like for you to be aware of it. I am from Miami. This is where the low end audio sound comes from. In Miami there are holes in the ground due to the volume at which we play low end audio. This is because the way I make music is just like Chemicals spilling onto the ground. My rhymes are very realistic and create images in your head so real that you can feel them. When those images are formed, I think this is one very interesting idea. We promote this idea and ask that you join in step with us. My disc jockey Shay likes to adjust the individual volumes of different instruments by adjusting the faders on a mixing board. When he does this, it is almost as if a ninja were cutting things with a sword or a razor blade so quickly that it causes other disc jockeys to vociferate profanely. My rhymes are so good and valuable that if they were narcotics I would sell them in very small doses to achieve the maximum financial impact. I never lose my composure even at those times when it is appropriate to loosen up a bit. I find that my mouth reacts to a microphone is if it were made of metal and the microphone were a magnet. This happens at the same time that I kick the juice cartons I own. You might see this as a problem, but I don’t. There are no problems. But if there were a problem, I would solve it. As always, please listen to this message while Shay plays it on a record player.
Ice Ice Baby
Too Cold
Vanilla
Dear Listener.
I am going to leave now.
Please give my regards to your mother.
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