Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Monsters. Oh my.

Good Day to you.

I initially set out to write a blog about our cultural obsession with image and beauty. I even typed a few profoundly thoughtful and deeply insightful sentences before deciding I’m really not up for that level of deep insight or profound thoughtfulness today. It’s just too depressing as a topic to wade into very far. The water is cold and full of giant squids. We humans are a severely damaged life form indeed.

But speaking of giant squids, instead of the aforementioned topic, today we’ll be discussing my favorite kinds of monsters.  

Almost as profound and a lot more fun!

Brace yourselves!

1. Zombies

I love zombies in almost every manifestation they appear in. I love fast zombies. I love slow zombies. I love zombies created by viruses and zombies created by toxic waste. I love zombies who only eat the brains of the living and zombies who eat all the available parts of the human. I love Deadites. I love them all. I know that of late our society has been completely inundated by zombie movies and zombie humor, but I have not hit my limit yet. I have a great capacity to appreciate the carnivorous undead.

Recommended Films: Fido. Zombieland. My Boyfriend’s Back. Shaun of the Dead. Dance of the Dead. Night of the Living Dead. Braindead (aka Dead Alive).

For further info on good Zombie Movies, Click Here!

Recommended Life Changing YouTube Video: Click Here!

Recommended Reading: Night of the Living Trekkies.

2. Werewolves

I have long been a big fan of the werewolf in both film and reality. I am a little more restrictive in my wolf-man affection, and gravitate towards the traditional werewolf. I’m not so much a fan of just the shape shifter who becomes a wolf in order to fend off vampires. My personal preference is for the lycanthrope that is controlled by the lunar cycle and which can only be killed one way. Silver bullet. That’s it. That is the only way to kill a werewolf. See the epicly great film “Monster Squad” for further discussion on how you kill werewolves and to see Uncle Rico as a werewolf. And stay inside during the full moon. Trust no one.

Recommended Films: Monster Squad. Teen Wolf. Underworld.

Recommended Reading: Samantha Slade: Monster Sitter.

3. Swamp / Lagoon creatures

Swamp Thing. The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Cajuns. Giant Gators. Leeches. The Swamps and Lagoons of the world are indeed frightening places. Wear hip waders and bring your boomstick.

Recommended Films: Swamp Thing. Monster Squad.

Recommended Lifestyle Choice: Try fried Alligator Tail. It’s tasty.

4. Mythological Monsters as a whole

There are far too many great mythological monsters to list each of them individually, but I do greatly enjoy them and couldn’t leave them unmentioned. Sirens, Hydra, Minatours, Medusa, Cyclopses, Krakens, and so many more. Those Argonauts had a tough ride.

Recommended Reading: Till We Have Faces

5. Squirrels

These modern day monstrosities have never received their due as the true population menaces that they are. John Hodgman has tried to warn us. Heed the warning and be wary around these wicked beasts. They are after more than your acorns. Don’t be fooled by their froofy tails and never let them inside your homes. These carnivorous rodents are never to be fed.

Recommended Reading: An Almanac of Complete World Knowledge Compiled with Instructive Annotation and Arranged in Useful Order by myself, John Hodgman, a Professional Writer, in The Areas of My Expertise, which Include: Matters Historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Hobo Matters, Food, Drink & Cheese (a Kind of Food), Squirrels & Lobsters & Eels, Haircuts, Utopia, What Will Happen in the Future, and Most Other Subjects.

6. Vampires

Again, I’m more of a traditionalist in this realm. I prefer the sunlight killing, garlic hating, bat shape shifting, blood sucking, coffin sleeping, stake-through-the-heart fearing undead fiends of yesteryear over the sparkly marble-skinned heartthrobs of more modern acclaim. Don’t mistake me as a Twilight hater since those people tend to annoy me just as much as extreme Twi-harders do. Obviously I’m not an extreme traditionalist since much of what I prefer is post Stoker, so I guess you could say I prefer the vampires as they were still popularly depicted in the 1980’s.

Recommended Reading: Dracula, by Bram Stoker.

Recommended Films: Monster Squad. The Lost Boys. Once Bitten.

Recommended Lifestyle Choice: Don’t invite handsome strangers into your home if you haven’t seen them mow their lawn during the day.

Honorable Mentions:

Trolls, Mummies, Mer-people, Jellyfish, Frankenstein’s monster, Giants, Orcs, Ghosts, Gremlins, Ghoulies, Cookie Monster, Banshees, Critters, and Giant Insects.


  1. It is an honor to married to you, my good sir. You had me at Jonathan Coulton and pulled me back again with the squirrels.

  2. Seriously, I'm going to have nightmares now triggered by that squirrel picture.