So I'm pretty much famous now.

Here's how it happened.

I was looking on Craig's List a few weeks ago, when I stumbled across an opportunity to expand my horizons a bit.

Side note #1 - The "Talent" section under "Gigs" in Craig's List is a sordid and creepy place, and should generally be avoided.

But back to the main point...

I have long held the lofty ambition to someday be used as an extra in a movie.  I understand that I have clearly set the hopes and dreams bar pretty high on that one, but we can't all wish as hard as Rudy.  I have always been amused by the thought of watching a movie and seeing myself walk by in the background.  I was particularly interested in trying to shemp my way into being an extra in some sort of zombie or indie horror movie, preferably one which will eventually become a cult classic. 

With this dream in mind and hope in my heart, I was perusing ads which were looking for extras, then there it was.  The ad was casting for a Zombie 48 Hour Film Project.  I wasn't sure what that was, but they were looking for people interested in being involved, and it had Zombie in the title, so I knew I wanted to find out more.

I sent an email with my credentials and photos and I shortly received a positive response.  They wanted me to come in for an audition of sorts.  The aforementioned credentials included my having acted in two silent indie films.  This is in point of fact, true.  I did do this.  I even have a VHS Copy of one of the films.  The other project I have never actually seen a completed version of.  I was on screen for about 12 or 13 seconds in the one I have.  The films were made by a man named Todd Morten and were shot with a Super 8 camera.  The time frame of this acting experience was around 1996 or thereabouts.  I might not have mentioned these particular details in the email.  It's entirely possible I just mentioned that I had acted in two Indie Films.  Regardless, I was on my way to fame and fortune.

Side Note #2 - I was also in a promotional video for a rock and roll band called Spin 490.  I played a character loosely based on myself, but did not include this in my credentials.  Perhaps I might have been able to skip even having to audition if they knew I had been in three film projects.  I also own a VHS copy of this rockumentary.  If anyone knows how to convert VHS to something I can put on youtube, great adventure might be ahead for all of us.

So I went in for the audition.  I was a little nervous because I wondered if perhaps the people involved might actually be cannibals who lure the careless in with fake ads and then eat them.  Perhaps even while filming the whole thing, thus creating something of a reality zombie type film, just without the whole undead thing.  It turned out they did not plan to kill me.  So that was good.  I answered some questions about what I loved about Zombie movies and what a Zombie Purist is, and then I had to read a part.  This was difficult for me, mainly because in my head I was hearing the part read in 1920's reporter guy voice.  I knew using this voice would be the most sure fire way imaginable to not get the green light, so I suppressed the scat man in my soul and read the part in my normal voice.  I guess it was good enough.

I was offered some role in the film, though I do not as yet know what that role will be.  It turns out that a 48 hour film project is a rather interesting and marvelous thing.  This particular one can be examined in greater detail here, but the basic gist is that the filmmaker will get their topic on Friday and have that evening to write the script.  They then have all day Saturday to shoot the movie and have to do all the editing, etc on Sunday.  So it's film making at warp speed.

I don't know if I'll be talking in the film or if I'll just be eating people.  Or perhaps being eaten by other people.  Or standing in the background watching other people be eaten.  I won't know until late Friday night sometime before showing up Saturday morning.  As I said, interesting and marvelous.

All of this will take place at the beginning of September.  So I'd recommend getting in good with me now, because in about a month I'll be far too big time for all you little people.

Blessings.

Monsters. Oh my.

Good Day to you.

I initially set out to write a blog about our cultural obsession with image and beauty. I even typed a few profoundly thoughtful and deeply insightful sentences before deciding I’m really not up for that level of deep insight or profound thoughtfulness today. It’s just too depressing as a topic to wade into very far. The water is cold and full of giant squids. We humans are a severely damaged life form indeed.

But speaking of giant squids, instead of the aforementioned topic, today we’ll be discussing my favorite kinds of monsters.  

                

Almost as profound and a lot more fun!

Brace yourselves!

1. Zombies

I love zombies in almost every manifestation they appear in. I love fast zombies. I love slow zombies. I love zombies created by viruses and zombies created by toxic waste. I love zombies who only eat the brains of the living and zombies who eat all the available parts of the human. I love Deadites. I love them all. I know that of late our society has been completely inundated by zombie movies and zombie humor, but I have not hit my limit yet. I have a great capacity to appreciate the carnivorous undead.

Recommended Films: Fido. Zombieland. My Boyfriend’s Back. Shaun of the Dead. Dance of the Dead. Night of the Living Dead. Braindead (aka Dead Alive).

For further info on good Zombie Movies, Click Here!


Recommended Life Changing YouTube Video: Click Here!

Recommended Reading: Night of the Living Trekkies.

2. Werewolves

I have long been a big fan of the werewolf in both film and reality. I am a little more restrictive in my wolf-man affection, and gravitate towards the traditional werewolf. I’m not so much a fan of just the shape shifter who becomes a wolf in order to fend off vampires. My personal preference is for the lycanthrope that is controlled by the lunar cycle and which can only be killed one way. Silver bullet. That’s it. That is the only way to kill a werewolf. See the epicly great film “Monster Squad” for further discussion on how you kill werewolves and to see Uncle Rico as a werewolf. And stay inside during the full moon. Trust no one.

Recommended Films: Monster Squad. Teen Wolf. Underworld.

Recommended Reading: Samantha Slade: Monster Sitter.

3. Swamp / Lagoon creatures

Swamp Thing. The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Cajuns. Giant Gators. Leeches. The Swamps and Lagoons of the world are indeed frightening places. Wear hip waders and bring your boomstick.

Recommended Films: Swamp Thing. Monster Squad.

Recommended Lifestyle Choice: Try fried Alligator Tail. It’s tasty.

4. Mythological Monsters as a whole

There are far too many great mythological monsters to list each of them individually, but I do greatly enjoy them and couldn’t leave them unmentioned. Sirens, Hydra, Minatours, Medusa, Cyclopses, Krakens, and so many more. Those Argonauts had a tough ride.

Recommended Reading: Till We Have Faces

5. Squirrels

These modern day monstrosities have never received their due as the true population menaces that they are. John Hodgman has tried to warn us. Heed the warning and be wary around these wicked beasts. They are after more than your acorns. Don’t be fooled by their froofy tails and never let them inside your homes. These carnivorous rodents are never to be fed.

Recommended Reading: An Almanac of Complete World Knowledge Compiled with Instructive Annotation and Arranged in Useful Order by myself, John Hodgman, a Professional Writer, in The Areas of My Expertise, which Include: Matters Historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Hobo Matters, Food, Drink & Cheese (a Kind of Food), Squirrels & Lobsters & Eels, Haircuts, Utopia, What Will Happen in the Future, and Most Other Subjects.

6. Vampires

Again, I’m more of a traditionalist in this realm. I prefer the sunlight killing, garlic hating, bat shape shifting, blood sucking, coffin sleeping, stake-through-the-heart fearing undead fiends of yesteryear over the sparkly marble-skinned heartthrobs of more modern acclaim. Don’t mistake me as a Twilight hater since those people tend to annoy me just as much as extreme Twi-harders do. Obviously I’m not an extreme traditionalist since much of what I prefer is post Stoker, so I guess you could say I prefer the vampires as they were still popularly depicted in the 1980’s.

Recommended Reading: Dracula, by Bram Stoker.

Recommended Films: Monster Squad. The Lost Boys. Once Bitten.

Recommended Lifestyle Choice: Don’t invite handsome strangers into your home if you haven’t seen them mow their lawn during the day.

Honorable Mentions:

Trolls, Mummies, Mer-people, Jellyfish, Frankenstein’s monster, Giants, Orcs, Ghosts, Gremlins, Ghoulies, Cookie Monster, Banshees, Critters, and Giant Insects.

Top Five Dead People I Would Like to Have Dinner With

Having now discussed the top 5 living humans that I would love to have over for dinner (see my last blog post), I would like to now turn my attention to the top 5 dead humans to dine with.

The idea here is that each of these 5 individuals would return from the grave (in a decent, non-zombie, no hunger for the flesh / brains of the living kind of way) in order to spend the evening dining with me.  This is as good of a reason as any to return from the grave, and better than some.  The pool of candidates was much larger amongst the dead than it was for the living, and I had to skip quite a few noteworthy names that would have been fascinating to invite. In the end, these are the final invitees to the dinner party.

Dead Dinner Guest #1    

Judas Iscariot

Okay.  So I’m guessing the reaction at this point is mixed, so let me explain my reasons for inviting one of the most despised individuals of all time.  Mr. Iscariot is not being invited out of veneration of any kind on my part, but rather because I’d really love to hear his thoughts on what happened, leading up to his betrayal of Jesus.  There has been a great deal of speculation regarding his motivation for taking the 30 pieces of silver, and I’d like to get his point of view.  Obviously it wasn’t all he had hoped for, what with the subsequent suicide and all.  He would also be able to give a firsthand account of some of the other life and times moments in the life of Jesus, assuming of course you can trust anything this guy has to say.  Depending on his retrospective points of view, he might be asked to leave the table, particularly as he might make my third guest a little uncomfortable.

Dead Dinner Guest #2

John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck is my personal favorite author, and I would greatly enjoy listening to him talk about just about anything and everything.  I certainly enjoyed his writing about anything and everything.  I’d like to know what would be the central crisis of his writing if he were alive today.  I would love to ask what he considered to be his finest work.  Does he regret any of his work?  Who is his favorite character?  The curiosity around this guest alone could take up the entire meal.  Maybe he’ll stay for coffee afterwards.

Dead Dinner Guest #3

Mary the mother of Jesus

As mentioned, Judas might have to leave the table when this guest arrives.  At the very least, these two aren’t sitting next to each other and all sharp knives will be removed from the table.  Mary is being invited because I would be very keen on obtaining some insight into this most intimate of perspectives on the life of Jesus and what it was like to grow in the realization of his divine nature.  I’d like to know how he was perceived by his brothers and by Joseph.  This perspective on the life of Jesus is one that I find utterly fascinating, and having her attend would help provide some balance and reference to the portrayal from Judas.  It would also be interesting to find out her thoughts on the practice of prayer being focused on her in some religious circles.  A lot of fascinating rabbit trails could be followed with this guest.

Dead Dinner Guest #4

Eleanor Dare

Who is Eleanor Dare?  I completely understand your confusion.  Who was this woman, and what happened to her?  Ever since I first heard of the lost colony of Roanoke in Elementary school, I’ve been fascinated with the mystery and want to know what happened to the people.  For the unfamiliar, Roanoke Colony was one of the first colonies in America.  They were facing some hard times and their leader went back to England for supplies.  Due to a series of circumstances, he was unable to return for three years.  When he came back, everyone was gone and no trace of the colonists was ever found.  Which brings us back to the question, “Who was Eleanor Dare?”  Eleanor Dare was the mother of Virginia Dare, the first European child born in the colonies (that was recorded anyway, who knows about those crazy Vikings).  I’ve chosen her to be the one to tell me what happened to the colony.  With my luck, she probably got eaten by a bear while the colony was still in Roanoke and she won’t be able to tell me anything about what happened, but I had to pick someone.  I’m greatly looking forward to finding out the secret to this centuries old mystery.

Dead Dinner Guest #5

C. S. Lewis

Another favorite author, particularly for his works of Fiction.  Clive Staples Lewis barely made the cut because I feel like I already know his perspectives on so many things due to his works of non-fiction.  But then I think about books like, “Till We Have Faces” or “Perelandra” and I can’t imagine not inviting him to the dinner party.  Plus I’m sure he would enjoy meeting Mary and Judas as well, so I’d be doing him a favor, which might get me an in with the Inklings in the event they are still meeting in the afterlife.  I’d also be interested in getting Mr. Lewis’s thoughts on the recent movie adaptions to his Narnia stories and whether he ever noticed that his name is a complete sentence.

Guests held in Reserve

Any good host knows to require an RSVP.  Nothing could be more embarrassing than to have someone return from the grave to come to your dinner party only to find that they are the only guest to show up. 

LAME! 

With that in mind, one needs backup guests prepared to invite in the event one of the primary guests is unable to make it due to some other pressing obligation on their time. 

Reserve Dead Dinner Party Guest #1

Kurt Vonnegut

No explanation needed.  True greatness and one of my top 5 authors.  God Bless you Mr. Vonnegut.

Reserve Dead Dinner Party Guest #2

Marilyn Monroe

Why so sad?  Was it murder?  Who did it?  JFK?  Do you know about that ridiculous statue in Chicago?  Biggest regret?

Reserve Dead Dinner Party Guest #3

Rasputin

Assuming that he has learned English in the afterlife, I’d have quite a few questions concerning the night of his death.  As a history minor in college, I wrote an upper level paper on Rasputin’s death and it was one bizarre unexplainable event after another.  The guy just wouldn’t die.  Perhaps the mad priest could help separate fact from fantasy for me.  Plus we could share a chuckle about his portrayal in the Disney film, Anastasia, which I’m sure he finds quite amusing.  I’m pretty sure, based on pictures like the one above, that this is a guy who knows how to party.

Blessings.

The Well Rounded Failure

So in retrospect, I think I have been soundly defeated by my interest in too many things.

I have always been rather well rounded in my interests. In literature I enjoy everything from Charles Dickens to Stephen King. From American classics to comic books. In music I roll with DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince and switch seamlessly to Wilco. From Damien Rice to They Might Be Giants. I love most things in the art world and also cheer wholeheartedly for my local sports teams. I love to watch Audrey Hepburn classics and modern Zombie movies. I play in rock bands and work at an insurance company. I love Bruce Campbell and still try to take myself seriously. I am topically conversant on a wide variety of things, but have no interest in making small talk. I play a variety of instruments, draw fairly well, enjoy writing, listen to sports radio and recently planted a vegetable garden.

I am all over the place, and I think that has been my problem.

I think my interest in so many different things has crippled my potential for success in any one particular area. I will never be a first rate musician, largely because of my inability to commit to any one instrument for an extended period of time. The grass is always greener, and all of that. I am an expert on no particular subject because I’m always moving on to the next shiny subject to catch my mind. I never could commit to a definitive, realistic career path because there are just too many dreams to follow, and in the end I have a job I have no real connection too other than financial, while never fully pursuing any of the many careers I would be interested in. It seems that by the time we know who we are it’s a little too late to do very much about it.

So far the only thing I’ve been particularly successful in is being married, which is one of those things you kind of have to commit to and can’t really be well rounded. Sorry ladies.

So... Just some thoughts. It could be that all my failures are simply because I’m not as smart or talented as I think I am. After all, we are all the stars of our own TV shows, and I’m sure I am no exception to this rule other than the fact that I like starring in your TV shows as well. But I do think there might be something to this idea. Einstein might have been slower with that whole relativity thing if he was busily monitoring who the Browns were taking in the 5th round of the draft this year or was laughing his tail off over Shaun of the Dead.

Not that I’m comparing myself to Einstein, although I do find science very interesting.
Math too.
Oh! And Literature!
And don’t forget History, Geology, and Theology.
I like them all.
A whole lot.

Blessings.